Dear N.V.,

Your letter captures a heartache and confusion I see often in my office: a gap between a spouse’s body and heart, where past hurts like emotional neglect create a visceral push-pull. It’s brave of you to name this, and you’re not alone. Many couples wrestle with this dynamic, a body that recoils from touch even as the mind longs for closeness. The good news is that this disconnect is common, and with intention it can be healed.

To illustrate, let me share two anonymized stories from my practice. One wife, married 15 years with a house full of kids, felt her stomach churn when her husband reached for her hand. It was a lingering echo of years when he had brushed off her emotional needs for “practical” priorities. She thought, He’s a good person—why can’t I just love him? Another husband felt frozen during intimate moments, his body recalling times his wife dismissed his vulnerabilities. Intellectually, he wanted to reconnect, but his nervous system screamed unsafe. These stories reveal something important: our bodies hold onto relational wounds long after our minds try to move forward.

This phenomenon is explored powerfully in Bessel van der Kolk’s The Body Keeps the Score. Van der Kolk explains that emotional neglect and relational hurts aren’t just mental—they’re stored in our nervous system as survival responses. When connection has felt unsafe, the body may react with repulsion, tension, or numbness, signaling “danger,” even if your spouse has changed or isn’t “bad.” Healing requires gradual, safe experiences that rewire those embodied memories, not just willpower or logic.

So how can you begin to bridge this gap in practice? Here are four gentle steps:

Acknowledge the Body’s Score

The first step is awareness without judgment. Too often, people either blame themselves (“Why can’t I just get over this?”) or blame their spouse entirely. Instead, recognize what’s happening: your body is holding on to protective reflexes that once served you.

Try journaling or simply noticing the disconnect in the moment: “My body feels repulsed because it remembers neglect, but my heart desires closeness.” This statement validates both realities. The act of naming the split softens shame and opens the door to compassion—for yourself and your spouse.

Example: One client began writing a nightly reflection: “Today my body froze when he hugged me, but I also noticed I wanted his comfort.” Over time, naming both parts helped her release guilt and approach her spouse with less tension.

Build Safety Through Micro-Connections

When touch feels unsafe, the answer isn’t to force it but to rebuild safety gradually. Start with simple moments of presence: a shared glance, sitting side by side with no agenda, or a kind word in passing. Pair these with gentle reassurance, such as, “I want to be close, and I’d like us to take it slow.” These micro-connections matter because they retrain the nervous system. Over time, your body learns: “I can be near this person and still feel safe.” Only when that foundation is laid does physical touch start to feel less threatening.

Example: One couple started a morning ritual of drinking coffee together in silence before the kids woke up. No touching, no pressure—just shared presence. Within weeks, the wife noticed her shoulders relaxing in his company, a first step toward rebuilding safety.

Express Love in Slices

A common pain point in this chasm is the inability to say “I love you” without feeling fake. Many spouses long to reassure their partner but can’t find words that match both body and heart. This is where Rabbi Manis Friedman’s definition of love as “the desire to be close” becomes powerful. Love doesn’t have to mean a fully felt warmth in the moment; it can be expressed as the yearning for closeness.

Instead of forcing “I love you,” you can say:

• “I want to be there for you the way you need me, even though it’s hard right now.”
• “I desire closeness, but my body isn’t ready yet.”
• “I want us to find our way back to each other, step by step.”

These small statements are slices of love. They tell your spouse: “I care, I’m invested, and I want to connect,” without denying your own truth. For many partners, hearing this eases the fear of rejection while giving you space to honor your healing process.

Example: A husband who struggled to reconnect told his wife, “I want to want to be close again.” It wasn’t a perfect declaration of love, but it reassured her deeply because it was honest. She felt seen rather than shut out, which softened her own defenses.

Consider Professional Support

Sometimes, even with awareness and small steps, the nervous system needs more direct healing. Somatic (body-based) therapies can be especially effective because they don’t just talk about the hurt—they help the body release it. Even if your spouse isn’t ready for therapy, beginning individually can create ripple effects for your marriage. Therapy can give you tools to regulate your body, expand your tolerance for closeness, and gently rewrite old patterns.

Example: One client began somatic therapy alone, practicing grounding exercises and body scans. After a few months, she found herself less reactive to her husband’s attempts at connection. Her calmer presence changed the tone of their interactions, which encouraged him to meet her at a slower pace.

Healing this chasm takes patience and consistency, but it is absolutely possible. Each small step—whether noticing your body’s signals, sharing a moment of safety, or offering a slice of love—moves you closer to genuine connection. You don’t have to rush or force it. With time, your body and heart can come back into alignment, and closeness can feel natural again.

Warmly,
Richard “Pinny” Roth, LCSW-C

Dear AM,

It’s refreshing to hear from a husband who is so conscious and caring about his wife and their connection! With that said, let’s take a closer look at the dynamic at play here. What you’re describing is a pattern I often see in couples therapy and a crucial lesson I emphasize when preparing engaged or dating couples for long-term commitment: it is common in relationships to express and receive love in different ways.

When love is communicated in ways that aren’t fully recognized by a partner, often misunderstandings and feelings of disconnection set in. For you, humor and playfulness are a way of saying, “I enjoy you. I want to be close to you.” But for your wife—especially if she’s stressed—they may be perceived as signs that you’re not taking her seriously.

Recognizing the Invitation

So how do you break this pattern and help her understand your true intentions? The key is showing her that your goofiness isn’t just a habit but is actually an invitation and a genuine bid for connection.

You can start with an open and sincere conversation when you’re both calm and in a good place. You can say, “I joke around because it’s my way of feeling close to you. That’s why it’s hard for me when you seem frustrated by it—I experience that as rejection.” This expression helps her understand that your humor isn’t about avoiding depth or dismissing serious moments but about building a bridge to connect with her.

When sending an invitation for connection, pay close attention to her cues—both verbal and non-verbal. Is her body language and tone giving off signals that she is open and receptive or defensive and closed off? Is she indicating that she feels acknowledged and understood or tense and threatened? Doing this will allow you to gauge her emotional state and adjust your approach accordingly.

For example, if you notice that she starts crossing her arms and speaking in a sharp tone, it may mean that she feels misunderstood, overwhelmed or needs connection in a different way. This would be a good time to invite her perspective. You can ask “How do you experience my joking? Does it sometimes feel invalidating to you?” You could also try using genuine curiosity: “Hey, you seem focused and not in the mood to connect—am I getting that right?” This reassures her that your goal is mutual understanding while opening the door for her to share her perspective.

Making Space for Understanding

Keep in mind that you’re not alone in this! The dynamic of missing each other’s bid for connection is something many relationships experience. Recently, I worked with a couple with similar struggles where the wife frequently asked her husband for his opinion on decisions—about work, family, even what to wear! The husband, being a natural problem solver, would offer his best advice, thinking that’s what she wanted. However, after repeatedly noticing that she didn’t follow his suggestions, he felt frustrated for wasting his time. For him, these conversations were about finding practical solutions—but for her—they weren’t about fixing anything, they were an invitation for connection.

Each time she asked for his input, she was taking a small risk—expressing a need to engage and feel seen. When he focused only on whether she followed his advice, rather than simply being present with her, she felt dismissed. Once he understood that she was seeking engagement rather than direct solutions, he was able to shift his approach. Instead of immediately offering answers, he started asking, “Are you looking for advice, or do you just want to talk this through with me?” This small change was a big win for both of them; she felt more valued and he no longer felt frustrated by their interactions.

Connection in Family Life

This concept of bids for connection extends beyond romantic relationships—it shows up in parenting as well. For example, one of my children often hovers around me and constantly seems to be in my space. At times, it can feel annoying, especially when I’m busy. If I’m not mindful, I might respond with irritation or impatience. But when I pause and recognize that he’s actually seeking connection in his own way, I have a choice—I can either engage with him or let him down gently. For example, I might say, “I see you really want to be with me right now! I love that. Let’s spend some time together after I finish this. Is that okay?” This acknowledges his need to bond while also setting a loving boundary.

Recognizing these moments—whether with our spouses or children—can significantly strengthen our relationships.

How Do You Connect?

Ask yourself these questions to better understand yourself and your partner’s invitations for connection:

• How do I typically reach for connection with my partner?
• Are my bids clear and intentional, or subtle and easily misinterpreted?
• How do I usually respond when I feel my bid for connection is rejected?
• Do I recognize the ways my partner or child seeks connection with me, even if they’re different from my own?
• What small adjustments can I make to be more present and engaged in these moments?

Emotional trust is built in small moments. By tuning into subtle signals, we can create deeper and more meaningful relationships, ensuring that our loved ones feel seen, heard, valued, and connected.